Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong