The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
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wow
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.