I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit