Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD