Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.