$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.