Take my advice, I’m not using it.
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading