All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My dad is at it again
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters