rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You Might Also Like
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.