Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.