Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.