Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..