Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
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If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Every house has this drawer
The glory of fall.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards