Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*