why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.