MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
what it’s like dating me:
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
🚲+physics = winner
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco