You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Still a very good boi….
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*