My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
pep talk
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
lol
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.