the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Breaking news:
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
not to brag, but mine was free
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else