I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate