As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i wish i could marry a nap
Tony Hawk, age 6
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.