003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The only equipped I am is ill.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time