I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
did it work
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
calling in to work dehydrated
tis the season
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My time has come.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about