Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
email: CC
my brain: corn cob