If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You Might Also Like
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
🤣😈🤣
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.