Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
You Might Also Like
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Interior design 👌
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?