99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
at ease…shoulder.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.