Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
mentally somewhere in italy
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up