There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
What the dentist sees
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now