I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit