So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
And then there were 4
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
i hate you platonically
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate