What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
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I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
me and my fake scenarios
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?