đ¶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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I donât use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: I havenât tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold onâŠ*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I know Iâm not great at math, but I just canât figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they âbarely ate any.â
The British sentence that is never complete:
âExcuse me, can I just⊠thanksâ
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
What even happened today?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice daâ
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and theyâre not fruit either, theyâre children!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room⊠but that feels weird
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTHâS MANAGER
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Got to my dadâs house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes âand I have a guacamole ballâ whatâs a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Interviewer: It says here youâre good with âgrammarsâ?
Me: Very yes.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.