Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em