“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*