How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.