*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
One of the best
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
i dont have time for this
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.