When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts