Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
It was worth a shot 😂
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
selfie game
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on