me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
me hooking up with my ex
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?