supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.