mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.