Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
How to shape your eyebrows
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