Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
…..pretty much.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.