*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.