Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Selfie
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.