[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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I am also baked goods
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
They’re on their honeymoon
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…