What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Möther may I have a snäck
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk