I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Only short people can save us
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
what the
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans