Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Huge, if true.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”